March 23, 2009

Insanity.A Saturday I Could Never Forget

I've been utterly depressed since last night . It was a call that I did not want to answer. A call that I was not even expecting. As I was chatting the night away with Topeq (who's flying to Japan later today), I received a call from an unknown number. The call was too quick for my brain to scan every single word that the person was saying even though the speed of his speech was slow. "Shook accident" .."kereta langgar motor".. "kaki kiri dia patah" were the only sentences that I could remember. I held back my tears and agony of hearing the news yet my sister can clearly see my pain. "what?".."serious?" "jangan main-main"..those were the words that I uttered. His brother told me that he was not joking . At that very moment, I felt like my blood flushed out of my body. It also felt like I was robbed or held hostage.Insanity.I was unstable. I've never been in a position where I became really helpless. What was I going to do? He's a hundred miles away from me and it is very impossible to just rush there. And even if I did, I'm gonna have to face my parents who objects to me having a love life and getting there was another obstacle. I felt really tested.

I quickly told Topeq about it and he tried to calm me down. Even Emi and Bie tried but the panic attack was too intense and at some point I felt like I was gonna pass out any time . I couldn't sit still. There would be times when I would stand up and just mumble . God, I don't even remember the words that came out of my mouth. I do remember crying. I needed reassurance that he was alright. I received another call and it was him. The reason I am still breathing. With a faint voice he told me how painful it was . Hearing him on the other line relieved me a little but it was still not enough. I wanted to see him. God knows how much I really do but I couldn't .

Earlier today, as I woke up, he texted me saying only those three words that make me tick. He still does love me. Some of the texts made me cry though as I could not help but imagine what he said. Even when I was in the church, when my parents asked why I kept on crying, I just looked at them and shook my head with a whispery voice saying "nothing". I prayed for his well being every chance I had. Prayed hard yet I still couldn't stop my tears from flowing.
Eventually, after the mass had ended, I told them that a friend of mine was involved in an accident. God! Only God knows how much it hurts to say "Friend' instead of the truth. I can't tell them the truth either because I know that it means trouble and Dad will kill me,for sure! Utterly helpless.

I found out that he already told his dad about me and it scares the hell out of me about what they would think. I know where I stand but I would do anything to prove to anyone how much I really love him. It's not about anything in material. It's all about what I feel. What he feels for me as well . This is by far one of my darkest hours. Whenever he felt down, I tried my best to suck it all up and stay positive for him. I need him to be strong for me cause I know I'm not. I don't even dare to think about it negatively but I can't help it that I think about things more negatively. I'm not an optimistic person to be frank. So, it scares the hell out of me to think about the worst-case scenario .

He's going for an operation today. I don't know exactly what time and which part of his left leg but all I can do is pray and wish. I hope all of you who's reading this would pray for him too. For him to recover soon.

Until this nightmare ends, I will just have to wait.

Sayang, I know you can't read this but I want you to know that I got your back no matter what. I can't shake it with you through our secret handshake but it's a commitment that I'm willing to take. As you know, I love you so much and I'll do whatever it takes for sunshine to rise again in our side . I can't promise but I'll try. And I'll try to be strong for you.

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